"Boys have penises and I have a vagina." My preschooler announced at the top of her voice while we were on a crowded bus one day. I froze. So did everyone else around us.

 

While I was terribly embarrassed, I was also impressed that she, then only three years old, had remembered the appropriate terms for male and female genitals although I had mentioned it to her only once.

 

Oblivious to everyone's stares, the little curious one then continued asking a whole lot of other "private parts" questions. Back in my time, asking those questions would have gotten me two smacks from my mother.

 

 

 

That sex talk matters

 

Fast forward 20 years later, research has shown that parents play an important role in their children's sexuality education.

 

According to a Health Promotion Board's spokesperson, parent-child communication on sexuality can mitigate negative peer pressure to have pre-marital sex. Results have shown that children who talk about sexuality with their parents tend to delay their sexual debut.

 

Counsellor Adrian Ow from Yong-En Care Centre said many Singapore parents shy away from the subject because they did not have the same talk with their own parents.

 

"Many parents think that since they didn't receive sexuality education from their own parents and they turned out fine themselves, their children will grow up fine on their own," he said.

 

"What they don't realise is that children and youth today, being digital natives, have huge resources (the Internet, movies, TV shows, etc) to tap on. However, most youth might not have the maturity to process the messages they get from these resources," said Adrian.

 

Mother-of-two Hanna (not her real name), a teacher in her late 30s, understands the importance of "keeping up with the times" when it comes to her children's sexuality education.

 

To learn to tackle the sensitive topic more effectively, Hanna attended a workshop organised by the HPB.

 

"Accurate information is much more meaningful coming from parents. The danger of leaving your child to learn from other sources is that he or she might get the wrong information, or too much information which might then confuse them," said Hanna, whose children are aged 12 and 4 years old.

 

According to Adrian, there is no perfect age for your child's first sexuality education.

 

"Sexuality education begins from helping a child develop his or her gender identity and this often starts from the moment a child begins to speak!" he said.

 

However, that doesn't mean you need to deliberately sit your child down and say, "Son, we're going to talk about the birds and bees …" too, Adrian added candidly.

 

He advised using "teachable moments" that will allow you to talk about sexuality. This may include during love or kissing scenes in television shows or movies, condoms in the supermarket or even newspaper articles.

 

To ease the awkwardness, Adrian offers some practical tips on how you can talk to your child about sexuality, whatever his age.

 

 

 

Your child is a:

 

Preschooler

 

At this age, most preschoolers are exploring their gender identity. What makes them specifically male or female is the main issue of sexuality on their minds. Hence, they often begin with their own bodies.

 

Refrain from giving sexual organs nicknames. Use the proper terms instead.

 

 

 

Primary-schooler

 

Primary-school going children face the issue of puberty and are often curious about sex. This is the time when parents should start talking about sex with their children.

 

Address topics on physical intimacy and touch such as differentiating between "good touch" and "bad touch".

 

Your child might also start discussing about sexuality with their friends or pick up whatever tips they have from sources including the Internet, movies and TV shows. At this point, parents should be as open as possible with their children and invite these discussions as self consciousness begins to develop more at this stage as well.

 

 

 

Teenager

 

During the teenage years, stick to these two golden rules, avoid criticism, and ask instead of preach. By now, your teenage child would have formed his or her own concepts of what sex is and how they should view members of the opposite gender.

 

How their friends view them is also, at this stage, even more important than how their parents view them. Encourage an open, supportive environment so your teen can ask you about sexuality without fear of being scolded or criticised.

 

Give the right facts. Following which, instilling the right values will help them through this roller-coaster stage in life.

 

Be prepared that their views might be different from your views. Avoid being judgmental.

 

 

 

 

This article was featured in Today February 14, 2012.

http://www.todayonline.com/Health/EDC120214-0000015/Lets-talk-about-sex,-son